Larry’s Latest Laughs #195

A woman from Texas named Traci Redford was flying Southwest with her five-year-old daughter a few weeks ago, and the employees at the gate made fun of her daughter’s name, because it’s spelled A-B-C-D-E. It’s pronounced Ab-suh-dee. The woman’s an idiot. Everybody knows that’s a boy’s name.

Announcers are running out of things to talk about for the Superbowl. Just heard this about how the refs can affect the game:
Head Linesman- In a divorce.
Line Judge- Has no visibility in his right eye.
Umpire- Lingering prostate issues.
Back Judge- Heightened level of anxiety. (His mother won’t be at game.)
Side Judge- Fear of animals as mascots.
Field Judge- He will be late. He woke up in Piedmont Park, naked with a quarter in his hand.

A new study shows a “fish heavy” diet could prevent depression, especially, if you eat clownfish.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg will miss Supreme Court arguments for first time in 25 years. Unlike my wife, who would never give up.

Technology sure is getting intrusive. Makers of the new high-tech toilets say soon they will be tracking your every movement.

Went to buy healthy food this morning for the New Year and had to walk past Valentine’s Day candy. I showed them. I bought the discounted Christmas candy instead.

President Barack H. Obama Highway is now open. You can drive it in California. If you get pulled over you have to show your driver’s license, proof of insurance, registration, and birth certificate.

Today was the day in 2001 that the Shoe Bomber was caught trying to detonate a bomb on an airline. I hear he’s in the same cell as the Underwear Bomber and they run the jail haberdashery.

Today is Flashlight Day. When you turn on yours make sure it’s not your light saber.

Plans are under way to sail a full-sized reconstruction of Noah’s Ark to Israel. The party animals will be on the Lido Deck.

The parish has plans to expand the Lafourche Parish Main Library. They’re building a second story. It will go nicely with all the others.

It’s not just Halloween; it’s also Increase Your Physic Powers Day! I think my wife’s a physic. She always knows what’s good for me.

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Larry’s Latest Laughs #194

To make it more humane, a Maine lobster pound is using marijuana smoke to sedate the lobsters before they cook them. They blow the smoke into the the box along with the water. They call it a Cheech Marin-nade.

During the Carolina floods, it was said The Cajun Navy had gone missing. The North Carolina police did find them. The Cajun Navy said next time, they won’t bring their fishing poles.

An 83-year-old Japanese woman has been named to the Guinness World Records as the oldest club DJ. She says she loves doing the mash-ups, because that’s the only way she can eat her food.

NASA announced they found ice on the surface of the moon. To learn more, officials are sending Michelle Kwan, Nancy Kerrigan and Kristi Yamaguchi.

Always one to listen, a politician told me the tax cuts go to the greedy rich. I thought about voting against them and told my wife. She said, no you’re not. Now, I don’t know who to be mad at, the rich, my wife, or the politician who told me.

Disneyland now serves alcohol. The sports bar that features the princesses is a big hit. It’s said to be a ladies night out you don’t want to miss.

SeaWorld is eliminating 125 positions. One official, said the cost cutting move will close down some of the schools.

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Larry’s Latest Laughs #193

A new study found chimpanzee beds are cleaner than those of humans. Can’t argue there. If it’s true we come from dust under my bed alone is the birth of a nation.

Men, ages 70 and 72, got in a fight over who cut in the cheese sample line at Costco. Nothing Gouda ever comes from something like that.

Archaeologist in Jordan found a 14,000 year old bread loaf believed to be the oldest ever found. The leader of the exhibition said, “There is more to discover. I think we’re on a roll.”

A tanker truck in Jefferson, Iowa flipped and spilled 4,000 gallons of milk. Police said crews took several hours to clean up the mess because everyone who tried to help kept crying uncontrollably.

A UK couple who’ve been married for 70 years say they’ve never argued. “We have a perfect relationship,” the man said. “She does her thing…and I do hers.”

People who are young at heart say you’re never too old to get a tattoo. How much would it cost to have written on my back, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up?”

Two elderly men escaped a retirement home to go to a heavy metal music festival. Hey, if you’re not off your rocker, get off your rocker, and rock.

Archaeologist in Egypt stumbled upon a new discovery dating back to more than 2,5000 years, a mummification workshop near Egypt’s famed pyramids. In the first chamber, posted in hieroglyphics, were Workman’s Compensation, and Slave Labor Laws.

Stormy Daniels was awarded the key to a California city yesterday. Handing her the key was a pizza guy, pool boy, and the UPS man.

The world’s oldest person Chiyo Miyako has died in Japan at age of 117. Her 100 year old daughter said. “I hated to see her go, but now I can finally eat first.”

HGTV has bought the ‘Brady Bunch’ house and will restore it to it’s “70’s glory.” Don’t let the Property Brothers near it. They’ll find a thousand things wrong with it before they begin.

Donald Trump says he would give himself an A+ for his work as president. Stormy Daniels gave him double D’s.

This weekend, if you’re looking to catch a good movie with the kids, I heard the Lego movie was well put together.

Today is National Scavenger Hunt Day! When I was a kid my babysitter’s boyfriend used to send me on those all the time.

I told my wife that today was National Catfish Day! She said, “You’ll fit right in. You have a hard head.”

How many of you would like to see Judge Judy appointed to the Supreme Court? She could end each case with, “We’re done!” If anyone talks backs, “I said, we’re done!”

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Larry’s Latest Laughs #414

An Elderly Care Home in England brought in pole dancers to entertain residents. The show had the men’s teeth chattering…while they were still in a the glass.

Today is National Almond Day. King Tut was buried with a handful of almonds believed to give him nutrients on the road to the hereafter. If you’re going to the hereafter, you might want to have your hands on your nuts.

I saw on Facebook of the 10 Louisiana politicians who voted no on the bestiality law. I guess they’ll always love ewe.

A guy in Clearwater, Florida, tried to leave a pet store with an exotic fish by stuffing it down his pants. The manager said he was easy to spot. He was the guy dancing wildly around the tank that held the piranhas.

A West Virginia woman was arrested for beheading her boyfriend and as they drove her away from the bloody scene, she told the cops, “You have to take me back and let me get my heads.” To which the cop said, “That’s where we be heading.”

Rage Yoga’ is posing while cursing loudly, drinking alcohol, and listening to metal music. My wife does that while getting into the pants.

Now 72, the man from Spain who was raised by wolves in a cave for 12 years as a young boy, now admits he’s disappointed with human life. But, he did say he enjoyed the Twilight Series, and still has that thing for Grandmas.

A 54-year-old Ohio woman was arrested Saturday afternoon for allegedly making lewd comments to an Easter Bunny at a carousel park. He was then fired when he tried to rub the hare on her leg.

With DNA from a museum specimen, scientists reconstructed the genome of a bird extinct for 700 years. Impressive, but what I’d still rather see is KFC come up with a three legged chicken.

An expert claims human speech will be replaced by thought communication by 2050. Good. I was really tired of saying, duh.

A new study of the air around Los Angeles finds that hairspray, paint, and deodorant rival cars for harmful atmospheric pollutants. That, in a city where it’s better to look good than to feel good.

An 82 year old Milkman in Montreal is retiring after 67 years on the job. He started when he was 15 years old and never left the neighborhood. He said, “I had no choice, I’m 82 , not 22.” He then went on to say it’s only a coincidence that all the people on the block look the same.

A woman said she didn’t smile for forty years to avoid wrinkles and it is crucial to her good looks. She said it was easy. She works for the IRS.



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Larry’s Latest Laughs #191

Heard some Olympic athletes were taking a knee during the games. I thought it was Un-American, till I found out it was the Curling Team.

With all the sexual harassment cases in the news, the boss posted a new dress code policy. No neckties because of where they point.

Tomorrow, California will become the sixth U.S. state, to legalize, regulate, and tax sales of recreational marijuana. Officials said it was a joint effort.

Conxxxion Adult Store on Hollywood Rd. in Houma was robbed last night. The robber really did have a pistol in his pocket.

In the Conxxxion Adult Store robbery last night, a customer was also robbed of twenty dollars. They didn’t release his name. I’m sure he was just in there getting a gag gift.

Today is National Bacon Day! They’ll be a whole look of bacon goin’ on.

We’ll be doing another performance of Jesus Christ Superstar, Palm Sunday. I’ll once again play Apostle Peter. I’m calling it a Re-Pete.

Florida is still the 3rd most populous state, keeping New York forth in line. To the new residents of Florida, I lift my glass of Metamucil.

Today was the day in 2001 that the Shoe Bomber was caught. He’s in the same cell as the Underwear Bomber. They run the jail haberdashery.

Chuck E. Cheese will now offer delivery. Now you won’t have to leave your house to watch a family brawl at a pizza party.

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Non-Profit is an adult, comedic, fictional look into who should get your money (I’m sorry, funding) when you donate: the living or the dying? Join the creative staff of the St. Raphael Parish Arts and Humanities Council, Arts Councils from around the state, Medical Non-Profits, and The Louisiana Tourism Industry, on a weekend symposium. Enjoy the extreme competitiveness and backbiting, while contemplating who should win or lose your tax dollars, donations from the wealthy, monetary gifts from corporations, and large, grant giving foundations. “Non-Profit” humorously asks the question, “Should I nobly give my money to comfort the sick, help the inflicted, and save lives, or would I honestly rather put on a good musical?”

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Larry’s Latest Laughs #190

A professor says face-reading artificial intelligence will soon be able to detect your politics. It will also prove your elected official is two faced.

A police suspect, in Surf City, North Carolina, attempted to elude police officers by taking to the open ocean. He was rescued while being pursued by a shark. Them lawyers are pretty fast.

New study says slow walkers have a better chance of dying young. Billy Joel was wrong.

A retired postman saved his drowning tortoise’s life after performing CPR, for almost an hour. The guy said, “I didn’t want to quit and just kept going. I kept wondering why it was taking so long. Then, I realized he was tortoise.”

I didn’t hurt my retinas by looking at the eclipse. However, I did poke myself in the eye when I took off my tin foil hat.

German police are looking for an outlaw gang, who stole 44,000 pounds of Nutella, from a trailer. Officials said they received thousands of requests from people to please find out who it was. They want to join the gang.

A brand new fancy wine bar is being planned at Disney. Can’t wait to see all the princesses get together, dance, hang out, and let their hair down.

The Falcons’ new stadium has a Chick-fil-A, which won’t be open for the games on Sunday. When the Saints play there, the Falcons might as well take off, too.

The sale of Glen Campbell’s records have gone up 13,000 percent. The sale of Campbell’s autograph has gone up, too. I even heard, the sale of “Campbell’s Soup” has gone up.

When Glen Campbell walked through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him why he had a little skip in his step. He said, “I still have that subway token and a dollar tucked inside my shoe.”

Philadelphia’s tax on sugary drinks has made soda more expensive than beer in the city. Beer makers rejoice. Coke drinkers find it soda-scuss-ting

I told the wife I was scared to swim in the pool because of that brain eating amoeba. She said go ahead and swim. You have nothing to worry about.

A brawl forced the temporary lock-down of a San Francisco mall. Officials said it wasn’t really a fight. One of the mall walkers tripped and the others kept falling on top of him.

The ‘Bovine Bandits’ were nabbed in Polk Co. Florida after stealing cows, then selling them at auction. Looks like going to jail will be… unavoida-bull.

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