Larry’s Latest Laughs #185

I just booked a flight on United Airlines. They asked if I had a problem with being stuffed in the overhead compartment.

When Chuck Berry passed through the Pearly Gates, the angels didn’t hear church bells. They heard ding-a-lings.

Some offices now have sensors that tell your boss when you’ve left your desk. I’d like to have a sensor that tells me when the boss is standing behind me.

If you were sick when the time changed, lucky you. It was one less hour of feeling miserable.

John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John will play Danny and Sandy for Grease’s 40th anniversary. The song “You’re the One That I Want,” has been changed to, “You’re the One That I want …(To Get My Teeth Out of That Glass.)”

Jimmy, a 13-year-old brown tabby cat in New Jersey went missing about 2 years ago. Last week, after a tearful reunion, Jimmy was asked what it was like to be back with his human family. Jimmy replied, “Eh.”

A college in Canada removed the scales from their gym after students complained it could trigger an eating disorder. They replaced it with one that says out loud, “There, there, you’ll be okay. You’re beautiful in every way.”

Another guy tried to jump the fence at the White House. This one, literally, got caught on the fence. Secret Service left him there and hung a “Do Not Disturb” sign on him.

Police in Indianapolis are investigating after a woman assaulted her mother with a cheeseburger at McDonald’s. The mother told police, the relationship with her daughter has been a bit McFrosty.

Experts claim thousands of people could live in colonies orbiting the Earth in 20 years. Send the college kids looking for safe space.

Facebook’s mysterious hardware group, Building 8, is working on Augmented Reality and mind control. They’re never be as good as my wife.

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DO YOU HAVE AN ELEVATOR SPEECH? #RRBC

Source: DO YOU HAVE AN ELEVATOR SPEECH? #RRBC

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Larry’s latest Laughs Ketchup

I just pressed my Facebook Year in Review 2016. It showed a homeless guy, pointing at me, laughing.

A new study claims half of people “remember” events that never happened… Another one said wives know what their husband will do before he thinks of it.

I felt old but didn’t know why when I put up my Christmas decorations and my grand kids said they were cool, “So turn of the century.”

I read a report that says plants learn like humans. What the heck are vegans going to eat now.

After receiving a barrage of criticism, a Japanese skating rink that froze 5,000 dead fish into the ice as an attraction for visitors has been closed. Oh-fish-ally.

A new study claims monkeys DO have the power to talk. Their lack of speech is because they can’t stop laughing at us.

and,

Thai prosecutors have charged an influential Buddhist Monk with money laundering a million dollars.
He claimed he wanted to be “one” in a million.
He wanted to become “one” with the tree. The money tree.
He claimed it paid better than sitting around not knowing everything.

 sunday, november 20, 2016

Larry latest Laughs #172

Scientists were stunned when two chimps in the wild were seen using twigs as fishing rods. The recording picked up the female chimp telling the male, “This is the only place you ever take me.”

Los Angeles now has a DivorceHotel. You check in married and check out divorced in just two days. Celebrities are pooling together to get a group rate.

Research from the US shows that mice who received human blood plasma from teenagers enjoyed better memory, faster speed, and improved brain function. Well, that, and they could text 500 words a minute.

The New Orleans Zephyrs renamed the baseball team to the “Baby Cakes.” Should be interesting when they have to “change the pitcher.”

Now that the New Orleans Zephyrs are called the Baby Cakes:
When the batter gets a base on balls, it’s a “Cake Walk.”
They’ll now be calling the Short Stop a “Short Cake.”
And, for protection, all players on the team must wear a “Cup-cake.”

Last night during the blackout in Houma my wife and I lit candles to make it romantic. The people in Rouses didn’t think it was appropriate.

A guy discovered Vincent van Gogh’s sketchbook containing 65 drawings from the artist’s ‘most important years.’ His buddy Claude said he had Monet more.

A Florida man was arrested for domestic battery after striking his live-in boyfriend with a cup of ramen noodles. Police said the victim described the assailant as “Poor and pissy.”

I voted for President this morning. Walking out I saw a guy in line holding a rock, paper, and scissors.

Television shows that feature robots will now explore legal marriages to the machines. The first three anniversary gifts will be paper, cotton, then WD40.

A video of a man who wrestled with a giant panda bear after breaking into a zoo enclosure in southern China has gone viral. The guy gave the panda a black eye but no one can tell.

The New York Metropolitan canceled an opera after they thought someone sprinkled cremated ashes in the orchestra pit. Probably one of them de-composers.

Larry’s Latest Laughs #171

The World Health Organization wants governments to tax sugary drinks to help people who are obese. It’s soda-moralizing.

A new dog book backs up the theory that dogs can tell time with their noses. Duh? They call them watch dogs.

On Facebook my past life analysis says I was born yesterday and ain’t got a lick of sense.

Ken Bone, the man in the red sweater who went viral after his question at the presidential debate, has come under fire for comments he supposedly made. Looks like the Ken bones connected to the knee-jerk reaction bone.

I’ve finally went out on a limb and decided who’s side I’m on in the presidential election. I’m on your side.

wednesday, october 5, 2016

Larry’s Latest Laughs #170

Shortly after golfer Arnold Palmer’s ceremonial spreading of his ashes in his home town, a beautiful rainbow appeared over Latrobe Country Club. In the distance you could hear St. Peter yell, “Fore!”

A New Jersey man was arrested on long Beach Island Beach for wearing a bathing suit made of plastic wrap. Police said, “By the looks of it, he clearly broke the law.”

I thought I was running well in the 5K this morning until a woman passed me up pushing a kid in a stroller. The kid must have been “juice-in.'”

Some researchers now claim trees are able to communicate with each other. Scientists doing the study say trees can get angry but their bark is worst then their bite.

A fight broke out on a Florida shuffleboard court when an 81-year-old man allegedly struck another with a shuffleboard cue. The men got angry when one couldn’t find where the disc landed and the other couldn’t remember why they were looking.

The toy company Hasbro has launched a new life-like robotic dog designed to bring companionship and comfort to aging adults. Officials say it’s so real, when you rip one you can blame it on the robot.

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Larry’s Latest Laughs #206

A dangerous strain of dog flu is sweeping the country. Veterinarians are telling patients to, “Catch two Frisbees and call me in the morning.”

Scientists say robots will be controlling my life in the very near future. They might want to tell my wife.

A man from England who loved sea salt died of a sodium overdose. Assaulted by sodium, go figure.

Scientists are now saying animals workout just like humans to stay fit. What ticks me off is the turtles hogging the treadmills.

The NFL said today’s playoff game will be so cold the teams will use specially designed underwear … It’s got a special place to keep the player’s ego.

A 23 year old woman in South Carolina bit off the finger of a Walmart clerk because she tried to stop her from shoplifting. When asked about the incident, the clerk said,  “I should have taken that job in the second hand store.”

Just got into an argument with my wife over the 500 million dollar lottery and what we’d do if we won. Couples fight over what to do with their money. We fight over what to do with the money we don’t even have.

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2015 In Review

2015 was a hell of a year. For some it started great. Not so much for Tom Brady. Remember deflate-gate?

Pistorius found guilty,

South Africans were pumped. The Blade Runner couldn’t believe it. He said, “I’m really stumped.”

Playboy cancelled naked girls,

Natgeo sales, fantastic. Young boys will keep their big eye full But will surely miss the plastic.

Bruce is Caitlyn. Caitlyn is Bruce.

Kylie and Kendall now feel bolder.

They’ll “Go girl” with their dad, you’ll see, And look like him when older.

Josh Dugger took a fall from grace,

The sisters picked up his slack.

They’ll have more kids than mom and dad If they don’t stay off their back.

Cecil the Lion was struck down.

The whole world felt the loss.

I guarantee I’ll heed the warning When my dentist says to floss.

McDonald’s started late night breakfast,

Subway and Jared, no longer one.

Blue Bell is finally back on the shelf After giving some the runs.

B.B. King, Scott Weiland,

Jackie Collins could not escape.

Leonard Nimoy thought it quite illogical,

Yogi Berra, “slud” through the Pearly Gates.

The world is much divided.

No black or white, it’s gray.

Trump is even on the stump, Hill and Bill not going away.

Whatever happens in 2016, It’ll be good and bad you know.

So except it, tell it, “I am here,” And sing it Adele’s “Hello.”

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Keith Richards- Sir Author

 

(Sung to the tune of “Beast of Burden”)

 

 

 

I write for kids, and now I’m hurtin’.

 

I think of words and find my mind ain’t workin’

 

Kid’s books are for parents and their money will foresee…

 

 

 

I want them all to buy my pages

 

I know the words will live for ages

 

Even though my body died

 

It’s been in formaldehyde.

 

 

 

Can I spell enough?

 

I know that can be ruff.

 

I know that Mick can’t strut

 

To get me out, get me out, get me out

 

Of bad Goodreads.

 

 

 

I’ll always write with extreme exertion

 

And it’s for kids which could become a diversion

 

From the book I wrote that only said I was a huge druggy.

 

 

 

Kiddy, kiddy, kiddy, kiddy, it is Babylon

 

As soon as my daughter hits it big, we’ll own Amazon

 

Come on baby, can’t you see through to me…

 

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Tatoo You

I don’t have a tattoo. It’s entirely too permanent.
My friend in high school got a tattoo on his shoulder of a big rainbow. Little did he know 10 years later the gay community would make rainbows a battle cry. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
A young family member who is 19 years old got the word “one” printed on her right wrist, and “love” written on her left, an ode to her boyfriend with which she can extend her hands and show the world her feelings. It also happens to be a sell line for a fast food chicken restaurant called, “Raising Cane’s.”
“Raising Cane’s, One Love,” It’s on all the television commercials and radio jingles. What the hell was she thinking? He broke up with her about three months later, the act of love not being good enough, but it was good enough to earn free chicken dinners for life from the owner of Raising Cane’s.
Here’s another. I went on a business trip with a librarian who was one of the sweetest people you ever want to meet, very nice and enthusiastic about her job and would say things bright and cheery such as, “Hey Larry, it is so very nice to see you again. I’m so glad you’re with us. How are you today?”
She came off as such a good girl, and very friendly, the kind you wouldn’t mind spending a six-hour flight with. You know the type, bubbly.
At dinner, sitting in a booth, she, across the table from me, I noticed in a mirror her shirtsleeve gathered haphazardly up her arm and in the reflection, a tattoo of a naked lady in a provocative pose. The lady’s arm was behind her head lounging back, with her legs open. When I saw it, I blinked real hard and it didn’t go away. So I blinked again. It was still there and I thought, “Oh, you naughty librarian, you.”
I read a study on tattoos that said the shock value is waning and that people with four or more tattoos are more likely to do drugs. I tend to agree only with the shock value of the study and not the drug analyses. I do remember when a man piercing just one ear put the neighborhood on edge.
The increase of women with the lower back butterflies, abstract art, and words written right above “the goods” tend to make me ask, “What were they thinking?” I would think, they only expected a few intimate men or possibly the people on the beach to admire and ogle the top part of their ass, and imagine, as Opra put it, “the Va-J-J.” But, the thing that always comes back is the fact that the tattoo is not coming off without substantial work.
What reminds me of life, when looking in the mirror, are scars, the one on my lip when at a bachelor party I got drunk and fell into the bumper of a car. The one on my knee when I crawled under a fence to get to a cigarette machine a twelve year old boy should not have tried to get to, my eyebrow that as a first grader slipped on a cowboy shirt that my mother told me moments before to pick up and clean my room, and those were just the physical.
Next time you look deeply in a mirror, notice the tattoos of time, they’re there, staring back with all the colors of the rainbow and all the colors of life, which is basically black and blue. Look into that black and blue, see the permanent pictures, the pictures that life has tattooed on you.

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